Until There was You

For my daughter, on her due date.

I’ve spent all these past months carrying you around, growing you, thinking about your life and mine and how they would come together on the other side of this. I’ve spent a lot longer than that wondering what someone like you would mean to me and if I would ever even get to meet you, bring you into this Universe and call you by name. There are all of these different paths you can take in life (as you will see one day) and I wasn’t sure which one I wanted; I should really say, we weren’t sure (your Dad and I). Now though, I am boldly marching down the path that will lead me to you and I’m really quite thrilled about it.

Before you emerge in your wondrous self, I wanted to take some time to pause and reflect on some very simple truths that you should always know. They won’t ever change, and we will remind you of them every day of your life.

  1. You were created from Unconditional Love between your Dad and me. There is no greater love story (other than the love Christ has for us) in all of time that can measure up to ours. He is everything good and perfect in my life and completes my soul effortlessly; he always has. I am looking forward to sharing him with you, because I know there are layers to this man that have remained covered and untouched for a specific purpose, and they will open once he meets you. I can’t wait to see him bloom into being your Dad.
  2. We built a sturdy foundation together, and knitted a life full of color and purpose each day before you came and we didn’t ever think anything was missing. When I comb back over the years we’ve spent together, I see a blur of happiness pass before me. I find myself lost in the years we’ve strung together, surprised by how quickly time passes and thankful that we have more of it. Your Dad and I have been each other’s whole world for a long time and I’d like to think that every good decision we’ve made until now has allowed us the opportunity to bring you here, finally.
  3. We will do everything we can to meet your needs and to let you know that you are loved. I don’t know what that even means or looks like from this point in time, but I’m willing to promise that we will do our very best to treasure you together.

Pregnancy has been a fantastic journey to experience. It’s like having a light switch turned on that I didn’t know was in my house and brightness cascades across a brand new room. I wasn’t missing it before when I didn’t know it was there, but now that it’s been turned on I get a whole new place in my heart, mind, and body to explore and experience. And the world comes at me differently too- something I didn’t realize would happen. People are soft, kind, generous, giving and joyous around me. It’s almost like the wind blows, and everything it touches leans into me and brushes me softly with tendrils of our life; everything is a celebration of anticipation and goodness. And I feel rejuvenated and cared for in a way I never did before. And just like that, it will be over, and I’ll find another light switch I didn’t know was there, and that light switch will illuminte you.

One day, I thought you might like to see some of the ordinary moments we shared together in the days before you officially joined us. All of these are special in their own way, but I hope you see just how much we love each other, and how that ultimately, gave way to you.

Rob and I went out on a very cold and windy Saturday morning to take some pictures together with the purpose of announcing the secret we had been keeping. I was around 12 weeks pregnant here.

Christmas Morning, 2017. I remember thinking how fun it would be that the next time we had a Christmas tree in our house, you would be here and probably at a very fun age. I was still pretty sick at this point (I didn’t get over this until after 20 weeks) but you’ll soon learn Christmas is my favorite Holiday and I loved every minute of this one.

20 week Ultrasound appointment to learn you were a girl!ย 

I’m sharing this mainly to remind your Dad that he got A LOT of sleep in the years before you came. Deep, long, and uninterrupted sleep. I am not going to feel badly for him going forward ๐Ÿ™‚ย A few months before you were born, we decided to spend a lot of time, money and energy on our house getting ready for you. This included a moderate bathroom remodel that your Dad single handedly took on himself. I wasn’t much help, and I thought it might get his goat, but in the end he came out on top. One day, when you’re old enough, I hope you realize how bad ass he is. I was around 6 months pregnant here, and feeling pretty great!
I didn’t expect to feel beautiful as much as I did carrying you. But I did (mostly, until the last few weeks when things got puffy )
We still did a lot of fun things together. We hung out with our closest friends, went to breweries (yes, you might remember tasting several sips of craft beer along the way) ate REALLY good food, and over all, really enjoyed life. We knew that things would change when you arrived, and so we leaned in hard to the moments we had and savored them. Our friends loved you from the beginning and will love you all your days. I’m excited for you to meet all of them.Your grandparents can’t wait to meet you!

I realized about month 7 that I loved you very deeply already. It’s an unusual thing to love something or someone you have not met or really known yet. You only have an idea and one that is likely not wholly accurate of what reality will be. But I felt connected to you; I hope that only grows in the days ahead when you’re living life on the outside. I hope that I am the Mother that you need and want. I already know your Dad will be everything to us both.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. – Osho


Come when you’re ready EJ, we will wait ๐Ÿ™‚

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