Realization

it’s almost a weird thing to have a realization. it feels a bit like tripping sometimes. then it feels a bit like sliding down a hill and landing softly on your feet. Other times it feels like running into a wall or maybe stubbing your toe. Briefly upsetting and then you move on but mostly for me I think it’s a slow coming around a corner kind of feeling. Like turning the knob of an oil lamp so the wick of the flame rises higher out of the oil to warm the room around it.

I was really proud of Ellie last weekend, and I sort of watched from afar as she dealt with some life things in her own way. And lately I’ve been trying to understand her better because she is so different than the 6 year old I was, and she’s interested in all these different things that I know nothing about. And if I’m honest that scares me a little because it’s unfamiliar and I know will require me to adapt and learn and do all of the things we are parents are SUPPOSED to do (and what if I mess it up?). But mainly I realized that I think Ellie is like me in a particularly specific way, in that she turns inward to restore her peace and energy. She likes being home. She likes being somewhat by herself, particularly when she has spent a long time being social or extroverted. And I think sometimes it’s easy to exclude children from the needs we have as adults, like they don’t need to decompress or take a beat to rest or relax. They should just be able to show up, perform, act perfect, because what choice do they have?

But Ellie has a choice, and I’m starting to trust her behaviors and not jump to control or censor it. And it’s neat to watch what she does in those blank spaces where I don’t overlay an expectation.

I guess all of this is really just way for me to drop a pin on a truly fascinating parenting milestone.