Dear Rob,
Sitting in the middle of our life still together, bound so lovingly together, its a miracle I guess. Perspective of time has revealed just how rare and unusual we are. There will always be an element of me that rejects the truth that what we have isn’t some basic human right – like, what is the whole pint of all of this if you cant find your person soon enough and move through it all together?
I wish everyone could have what we have, I wonder how different of a world it would be honestly.
There isn’t anything I would change about our life together. I’m so very very in love with who you are. You only become more vibrant and sure of who you are. Self discovery and courage look so good on you.
You have always demonstrated unwavering commitment to me and the life we are working together to build and experience. I get a lot of inspiration from watching your practiced dedication to what is important to you. I wish I had your best qualities within me too, but living so close to your life still feels warm and I’d like to think I inherit small doses of what makes you, you.
At any rate, it’s a wonderful thing to watch and be near, be invited into the special and reserved places that exist inside of you. I know how guarded you are with your trust and confidence and I prize those gifts above everything really.
I will always choose to love you and be your friend. I will always choose you and this life because it really is so rich and happy. I worry about the fleeting nature of it all. I’m aware that every day I will wake up further from the center; further from the perfect center of this safe and exhilarating space of time.
You teach me to slow down and listen to music; to give it space to exist as it is now and as it evolves in your ear and in the cavity of your life. You like difficult things; complex. You are drawn to places and people and music and elements that require more than just a glance, more than a bite, more than just a passing thought.
You demand to feel the weight of what you consider important.
Thank you for the ways that you show me how to live too.
Maybe its as simple as…I find you fucking fascinating. Perhaps that alone is what makes us work so beautifully. There is still so much there to discover and study and marvel at.
I think too about people in general and how unremarkable I find most to be. That sounds worse than I mean it, but I’m really just trying to say that when confronted with a lot of the same, the different really stand out. You are very different. That was evident to me the day we met and remains so even now. Even after all the exploration of each other and settling into that time has afforded us. I am still delighted in the new shades of you that darken and lighten over time and I feel responsible and part of these changes when they occur. I’m not left on the outside when it comes to you. I am there and you are there and we choose to take each other with us when we decide to move on from wherever there is.
I am convinced we are raising a really great person in Ellie. Some days I feel like I can see the future and I understand just how different she will be too. How utterly important – vital – her presence and impact will be. I worry a lot about being responsible for ushering that to fruition. The pressure of it; what is in my control is manageable most days but what is out of my control breeds fear. I won’t spend time writing this out because maybe it’s like fire- if you do not give it oxygen, it cannot live or grow.
But most of all, when it comes to Ellie and all of her many charms and capabilities, and how far forward she will begin compared to others, I am most thankful for the steady, genuine and unburdened way that you love me because whether or not you can see what truly fortifies you, it’s there. And your love for me will fortify her life, her self worth, her ability to love and be loved. And I guess all that I really want out of this incredible run we are having, is that Ellie finds her person, and that it’s the rare and unusual version that we got. That’s the part that I cannot directly impact for her, but I hope every day that we are helping her journey toward it.
I was thinking the other day about myself and my impact on my friends. Just reflecting on what I really bring forward as myself, solo. And I laughed because myself is really kind of misleading, like an illusion. Just like ivy grows over an old stone wall, you have canvased so much of who I am and provided a lush covering of other qualities that really, when people are with me, they are really with you too. I get a lot of comfort and confidence out of this.
The middle – this early summer of our life together, is so captivating and special. I study our routines, the darkness of your hair and beard, Ellie’s room with all of her sweet trinkets and imagery of childhood. I absorb these very real pieces each day and feel extraordinary gratitude for being right where I am. One day, we will move into fall and winter, and I will use all of these memories for warmth and assurance.
“aren’t we glad these seasons are four, think of a year with one less or one more…”
I will never stop wanting – needing – one more season with you.
I love you more than language has space to convey. I know you know this but I will tell you every day that I am here to tell you.
You are the other half of me. You are a strong and capable Father. You are our shield and our undercurrent.
Happy Father’s Day.
Dani
The Wayfaring Friend 