In mid-September I found out I was pregnant. It was early in the week and I just had a feeling, so I took a test and it was positive. So naturally I didn’t believe it and waited another day and took a better, more epensive one. It said the same thing. (Okay so I took several). It was very early, right around 4 weeks.
It’s hard to explain what I felt when I realized where I was at and what it meant and I remember being nervous to tell Rob, and being unsure of how to actually tell him. It felt like big news, but the shock of it honestly outweighed any excitement I could have mustered at the time. So I just walked into the kitchen and said “So I’m pregnant.” I felt like the tearing off a bandaid approach was best so that’s what I did. I remember watching his eyes glisten over and the hug he gave me, but not much else.
So here we are, 17ish weeks in, and it’s been an interesting thing to watch unfold. When people find out you’re pregnant, that’s all anyone asks you about or talks about. And I’ve never been terribly comfortable with being the center of attention before, so it’s been an adjustment for me. I told Rob one day that I was running out of ways to say Thank you when someone congratulated us; the conversations are always the exact same and I was struggling to find my authenticity in all of it. As always, Rob reminded me that I was only viewing it from one perspective- my own. And that the world and the people within it cover so many more sides and angles than just mine, so I should just get over it and let people be happy. So I adjusted my lens, and wanted to share what the other side of pregnancy looks like.
I think when I get to the end of this journey and look back in my rear view mirror over the 9 months that it took to get there, I think the only thing I’ll be able to see is Rob, front and center. Don’t mishear me, my friends have been amazing. I get calls, texts, love, everything I could want or need and then some and it makes my heart soar. But with Rob, to say he has doted on me would be a gross understatement.
In the first trimester, I was struggling to finish massage school. I call it struggling because that’s literally what it felt like. I was working my 45 hour a week normal job and then going to school at night, and then working in the clinic on Saturdays- every Saturday. And in the free hours at home, I was studying and trying to do my laundry. I didn’t think I could get more tired or stretched thin, but it turns out I could; pregnancy during those first few months added an extra element of exhaustion and the 12 hour nausea didn’t exactly make me super awesome to be around in the short times we were together in the same space. But every day, without ever skipping a beat, Rob would wake up, feed the cat, and cook a hot breakfast. He would run errands, and cook dinner at night when I couldn’t be there. He would clean the house, the cat box, and wait up for me to roll in at 9:30 and then he would sit with me in the bathroom as I took a bath simply so we could have half an hour to catch up before bed. He did all of this while still managing to workout for himself AND go kick ass at his job every day. He put in long hours during the day and I would often catch him clacking away on his laptop at night or on the weekends to make sure his team there was taken care of. He never once complained, acted put out, or made me feel like he was getting the short end of the stick. He literally carried me (still carries me) through it, and was the primary reason I was successful in graduating and passing my National Exam in late November. And now he spends his free time (and money) helping me pull my studio together so I can open my own business doing what I set out to do 15 months ago. And to really drive it home, this was breakfast this morning:
Hormones are hilarious to experience (not exactly at the moment, but in hindsight). In those early weeks we tried to maintain having a social life with our good group of friends, and I always had to make us duck out early because I couldn’t keep my eyes open or I always wanted to dry heave or I had a raging headache (or all three!). You just plain feel like crud. But he would always smile and hug me and lead me away like he was escorting me to some pumpkin chariot to be whisked away to something better. When in reality I would get home and lay in bed and cry because I HAVE NO IDEA WHY which would make me feel even more pitiful and terrible for him. But he handled all of this with so much grace and tenderness, and I vowed to somehow find a way to make it up to him one day. Still very much in the hole.
Oh, I should also mention that while I have struggled deeply with the effect pregnancy is having on my body, he has made me feel just as beautiful and worthy as he ever did and he surprises me with french fries more often than he should.
Now that we are getting closer to the half-way point, things are getting more exciting for us. Sometimes I think I feel the baby flutter around, but can never be too sure. I don’t fit into any pants I own anymore, except leggings. And the actual morning sickness has only gotten worse here lately. But I am focusing on not getting lost in all of it, and truly trying to soak in what I know are decreasing days of just being us two, and all of these days are really very wonderful.
The other side of pregnancy is my husband, my partner, my best friend. (after all, he is to be held accountable for my condition too :D) But I want people to know that for me, it’s not been about me at all. When you see me dressed and functioning- it’s because of Rob. Should anyone get any credit or praise for enduring this phase of life, let it be him. I love you times infinity, devoted pizza delivery guy.